Dec 11, 2010

New Friends, New Pains

Hey, long time no posting... yeah right?

Hmm... from what i posted last time, i was talking about something big that changing my life. forever. but now, i'll talk about something that makes me changed.. so much. till i dont really know who i am..

i have lot of friends now. really. im not that kind of anti social girl anymore. but something, something makes me push myself so hard to not tell them my secret. eventho we're friends. bestfriends. i just still cant get over the past. my traumatic past with my childhood friends who kicked me out from her life. who ignored me, who have no common with me except bout the Harry Potter thing, etc, etc. i dont want that happen anymore. no way!

so here i am. with LOTTA new friends. lot of people around me, surrounds me, but still i feel empty. nothing to do, feel like alone. they dont know me. i know im selfish, to not tell all of my problems to them. but what can i do? i still need some time to see if i can trust them enough to share all of this.

just like what my mom said, "never tell anything to your friends about something that really important for you, for your life. share with me, or your brother. bcoz we will never get you down. family will never get you down. family will forgive, family will share."

so i really mean that. i feel that pain. i feel like i want to tell them about what happened in life now, with my family, with myself. but on the other side, i just want to burried all of my secret 6 feet under. im not even share that with my mom. because i just cant talk to anybody but myself. i lied to myself. always said everything okay. said im okay but no. im not okay. but anyway.. nobody knows that till i post this.

that... is ironic. i have new friends. lot of new friends, but no one knows everything about me. its pain.. hurt to let them know nothing about me. sorry friends, im not a good friends. i never be a good friends to anyone. but at least, ill try to be one.

love,
-nifa